Kind of Desperatehttp://lost_soul.blog.co.uk/en-UKhourly82000-01-01T12:00+00:00Kind of Desperatehttp://lost_soul.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/60/474e900f2d44964a4fd344cadb07cf_160x200.jpgFirst Posthttp://lost_soul.blog.co.uk/2005/06/15/first_post_31/2005-06-15T00:31:08+02:00 <p>Hi peeps -<br> This is my first blog. It may well be my last, I never was the kind of person that stuck at anything for very long. But I don't really have any other outlet for what's playing on my mind at the minute, so the anonymity of the internet presents to me the perfect solution. Maybe no-one will read it, but hopefully it'll give myself a break from the hell that is everyday life.</p> <p>First, a bit of background. I go to uni, I do a stressful degree, and I'm not very good at it. Resits are looming, as well as the end-of-year exams good and proper. I'm not feeling particularly confident anyway, but hey - thats life. I'll probably start smoking again too in the coming weeks, old habits die hard and all that.</p> <p>But anyway, the main problem. As a bloke, it always had to come down to this really - women. Or, to be more precise, two of them. Both special, both of whom mean the world to me, and both of whom, even though they may not know it, have helped me immeasurably over the last few years. One of them is my girlfriend. The other... well, sometimes I was with her instead. I've never been a decisive person, I've never known what I've wanted for certain, and to be honest, this is no different. But it's all horses for courses - and on my course, I wonder if I've backed the wrong horse.</p> <p>My girlfriend, well, she is perfect, in everyway. Smart, funny, beautiful, generous, everything that you would want in someone who you'd consider spending the rest of your life with. We've been together for 3 years now, and they have been, for the most part, the best years of my life. We've had our ups, we've had our downs, and we've had the times in the middle. But we were always there for each other, no matter what happened. But our lives send us in very different directions, and this year we've drifted apart, and I can't help but feel that the distance between us now could be insurmountable, especially when we go our seperate ways soon. I'll always care about her, more than she'll ever know. But do I want to spend the rest of my life with her? I really don't know, and that's the problem.</p> <p>As for the second female in this conversation, well, she's perfect too (they always are, aren't they). We've been friends for a while now. She's helped me through some of the lowest times I've ever experienced. And we get on amazingly well. Better even than my girlfriend and I have in as long as I care to remember. Or at least we did... until I made a complete idiot out of myself about 2 months ago. Whilst drunk, I kissed her. Yes, yes, a mistake I know because now you couldn't have a more awkward partnership if you tried. It's back to virtually monosyllabous words... when we do talk. I know that between us, we'd consumed enough alcohol to drop even the most hardy of alcoholics. And I know that I didn't kiss her because I was drunk. I kissed her because I love her, and I've never felt like this before. The kiss that we shared was amazing. Fireworks, sparks, electricity, whatever great, fantastic feeling you'd care to insert, it all applies. It was wonderful, and for that night I was living a blissful existence, on a higher plane. I was happy, and that's something that I haven't truly been in a long while.</p> <p>Of course, the next morning, as I was grinning from ear to ear, said lady friend was cringing and wondering why she'd kissed such an idiot like me (i'm hardly catch of the century). And now the friendship that I value so much has fallen apart. And as a result, so have I. I don't want to do anything, I feel so low inside that I just want to crawl under a very large rock, or at least some other inanimate object that would cover my existence for a while. I know I'm a fool, and an idiot, and a typical bloke. Maybe I'm making the mistake of my life, and I know it was cheating - I confessed all to my girlfriend, who forgave me, being the saint she is, but I just can't help my feelings. And for that I'm eternally sorry.</p> <p>-//- </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lost_soul.blog.co.uk/2005/06/15/first_post_31/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Hi peeps -
This is my first blog. It may well be my last, I never was the kind of person that stuck at anything for very long. But I don't really have any other outlet for what's playing on my mind at the minute, so the anonymity of the internet presents to me the perfect solution. Maybe no-one will read it, but hopefully it'll give myself a break from the hell that is everyday life.

First, a bit of background. I go to uni, I do a stressful degree, and I'm not very good at it. Resits are looming, as well as the end-of-year exams good and proper. I'm not feeling particularly confident anyway, but hey - thats life. I'll probably start smoking again too in the coming weeks, old habits die hard and all that.

But anyway, the main problem. As a bloke, it always had to come down to this really - women. Or, to be more precise, two of them. Both special, both of whom mean the world to me, and both of whom, even though they may not know it, have helped me immeasurably over the last few years. One of them is my girlfriend. The other... well, sometimes I was with her instead. I've never been a decisive person, I've never known what I've wanted for certain, and to be honest, this is no different. But it's all horses for courses - and on my course, I wonder if I've backed the wrong horse.

My girlfriend, well, she is perfect, in everyway. Smart, funny, beautiful, generous, everything that you would want in someone who you'd consider spending the rest of your life with. We've been together for 3 years now, and they have been, for the most part, the best years of my life. We've had our ups, we've had our downs, and we've had the times in the middle. But we were always there for each other, no matter what happened. But our lives send us in very different directions, and this year we've drifted apart, and I can't help but feel that the distance between us now could be insurmountable, especially when we go our seperate ways soon. I'll always care about her, more than she'll ever know. But do I want to spend the rest of my life with her? I really don't know, and that's the problem.

As for the second female in this conversation, well, she's perfect too (they always are, aren't they). We've been friends for a while now. She's helped me through some of the lowest times I've ever experienced. And we get on amazingly well. Better even than my girlfriend and I have in as long as I care to remember. Or at least we did... until I made a complete idiot out of myself about 2 months ago. Whilst drunk, I kissed her. Yes, yes, a mistake I know because now you couldn't have a more awkward partnership if you tried. It's back to virtually monosyllabous words... when we do talk. I know that between us, we'd consumed enough alcohol to drop even the most hardy of alcoholics. And I know that I didn't kiss her because I was drunk. I kissed her because I love her, and I've never felt like this before. The kiss that we shared was amazing. Fireworks, sparks, electricity, whatever great, fantastic feeling you'd care to insert, it all applies. It was wonderful, and for that night I was living a blissful existence, on a higher plane. I was happy, and that's something that I haven't truly been in a long while.

Of course, the next morning, as I was grinning from ear to ear, said lady friend was cringing and wondering why she'd kissed such an idiot like me (i'm hardly catch of the century). And now the friendship that I value so much has fallen apart. And as a result, so have I. I don't want to do anything, I feel so low inside that I just want to crawl under a very large rock, or at least some other inanimate object that would cover my existence for a while. I know I'm a fool, and an idiot, and a typical bloke. Maybe I'm making the mistake of my life, and I know it was cheating - I confessed all to my girlfriend, who forgave me, being the saint she is, but I just can't help my feelings. And for that I'm eternally sorry.

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